Distractible mornings 

I love routines. When they are in place and my system is energized enough to do them, my goodness, do they work. They give me a sense of control, of purpose, of loving and caring for myself. The truth is that being consistent with routines is not actually part of my overall routine and therefore, I am consistently inconsistent. How many times have I set up daily routines that have been labeled "non-negotiable" only to let them go because I am too tired, they take too long, or, let's be real, I am distracted.

I am currently in a low flow with my morning routines. I am still managing to meditate every day, but my meditation time is getting shorter and shorter and my mind is getting more and more dependent on guided meditations.The impact is this sense that things are spinning out of control and that I am unable to love and care for myself. And that's a crappy way to start the day!

My therapist would have me look at that parts of me that do the setting up of routines to see how they are doing. She would have me look at the protector part that is causing the breakdown to ask what it is needs.

The intention of the routines is always connecting to my self—to the higher consciousness. Connecting to that energy of calm so that I can see how my day to day action is a gift or a challenge for my future self. 

As a person whose brain has been labeled ADHD, I have come to learn that thinking much beyond 24 hours from now is not really my strong suit. I have seen how viewing my life from some future point is not only difficult, but nearly impossible. I wonder sometimes, if this is why I have trouble visualizing a successful music career, or a sustainable healthy romantic relationship, or a healthy version of my body. 

I have heard so much about people visualizing their future self and always feel a little confused by the concept, but for the sake of trying something new on, I am going to spend a few minutes seeing if I can do that. 

A note from my future self to the now me:

Hi! Thanks for making good choices. Because if your stellar ability to tend to your body, mind and spirit, here is how it looks in the future...

I feel healthy and comfortable in my body. My autoimmune condition is completely in remission and I no longer need to have my immune system surpassed to avoid symptoms. I dance a lot. I hike a lot and I love being inside of this body. I feel deeply connected to my community. I have deep friendships and regularly have dinner parties with people who make my heart warm. I have a partner with whom I have mutual respect, love, and intimacy. They understand my dreams and needs, and are willing to talk though difficult things. They inspire me to stay active and healthy, and they love to dance with me. 

My music career is stable and booming. I am a sought after songwriter, I am playing amazing gigs, and I am getting paid $5K per show. My music touched hearts and minds and is being made into a rock musical. My music can be heard on the new Pixar film. I have my dream gig booked, which is to play the Greek in Berkeley, opening for Madison Cunningham. 

My family is doing great. Very peaceful and connected. 

I wake up smiling, or at least being able to be with who I am and what I feel. My mediation practice is deep and solid. I have a great relationship with social media and food. My relationship to money has vastly improved and I have saved $25K toward my retirement. 

Well, shoot, what was easier than I thought it would be and kind fun to just let myself fantasize a future that feels exciting. I wonder what would happen if I do this every day... hmmm do I feel another routine brewing?